Experts Stunned: A Programming Language Based on Clickbait Headlines

A Language You Won't Want to Miss

What if your code read like the front page of a tabloid newspaper? Programmer Linus Lee decided to find out by creating Tabloid — a fully Turing-complete programming language where every statement is written in the style of sensational clickbait headlines. Instead of the usual function hello(), you write DISCOVER HOW TO HELLO WITH, and returning from a function is announced with SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT!

The language was created in just 8 hours — instead of doing homework, naturally. It has a working interpreter written in JavaScript and a compatible implementation in Racket, both available at tabloid.vercel.app.

Turing Completeness

Despite its absurd syntax, Tabloid is theoretically capable of solving any computational task. It achieves Turing completeness through conditional branching, recursion, and memory management. The lack of traditional loops is by design — as the creator explains: "The news cycle moves too fast! Nobody has time for yesterday's loops or last week's break statements. Use recursion instead."

The Mandatory Subscription

Every Tabloid program must end with the statement PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE. Without it, the program simply refuses to run. All output text is automatically converted to UPPERCASE with exclamation marks appended — because nothing in a tabloid is ever said quietly.

Complete Command Reference

Here is the full syntax of the Tabloid language:

• DISCOVER HOW TO...WITH — Function declaration
• RUMOR HAS IT — Code block start
• A OF B, C — Function call with arguments
• WHAT IF...LIES! — If-else conditional statement
• END OF STORY — Block termination
• EXPERTS CLAIM...TO BE — Variable declaration and assignment
• YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS — Output / print statement
• LATEST NEWS ON — User input
• TOTALLY RIGHT — Boolean true
• COMPLETELY WRONG — Boolean false
• AND / OR — Logical operators
• PLUS / MINUS / TIMES / DIVIDED BY / MODULO — Arithmetic operations
• IS ACTUALLY — Equality operator
• BEATS / SMALLER THAN — Comparison operators
• SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT — Function return
• PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE — Mandatory program ending

Russian Tabloid Adaptation

The article also presents a humorous Russian adaptation of the syntax:

• ВРАЧИ СКРЫВАЛИ! КАК...ПРИ ПОМОЩИ — Function declaration ("Doctors hid it! How to...with the help of")
• ОЧЕВИДЦЫ СООБЩАЮТ — Code block ("Eyewitnesses report")
• ЧТО ЕСЛИ ВСЁ...ОБМАН! — If-else ("What if it's all...a lie!")
• УЧЁНЫЕ ДОКАЗАЛИ...ЯВЛЯЕТСЯ — Variable declaration ("Scientists have proven...is")
• ЭТО ВИДЕО ВЗОРВАЛО ИНТЕРНЕТ — Print ("This video blew up the internet")
• СРОЧНО! НОВОСТИ ПРО — Input ("Breaking! News about")
• СТО ПУДОВ / ОТВЕЧАЮ — True ("Hundred percent / I swear")
• ПОЛНЫЙ ФЕЙК — False ("Total fake")
• ТАКОГО ПОВОРОТА НИКТО НЕ ЖДАЛ — Return ("Nobody expected this twist")
• ПОДПИСЫВАЙТЕСЬ НА МОЙ ТЕЛЕГРАМ-КАНАЛ — Program end ("Subscribe to my Telegram channel")

Example: Fibonacci Sequence

DISCOVER HOW TO fibonacci WITH a, b, n
RUMOR HAS IT
    WHAT IF n SMALLER THAN 1
        SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT b
    LIES! RUMOR HAS IT
        YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS b
        SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT
            fibonacci OF b, a PLUS b, n MINUS 1
    END OF STORY
END OF STORY

EXPERTS CLAIM limit TO BE 10
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS 'First 10 Fibonacci numbers'
EXPERTS CLAIM nothing TO BE fibonacci OF 0, 1, limit

PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE

This program computes and prints the first 10 Fibonacci numbers. Notice how recursion replaces loops, and how the entire thing reads like a series of increasingly breathless news bulletins.

Known Limitations

Tabloid has several deliberate (and some accidental) limitations:

• No operator precedence: The parser doesn't understand order of operations, so parentheses are required to get the correct results in complex expressions.
• No loops: As mentioned, recursion is the only option. The news cycle waits for no one.
• No comments: The creator notes that this makes the code even more chaotic — which is entirely on-brand for a tabloid.

Resources

• Online interpreter: tabloid.vercel.app
• GitHub: github.com/thesephist/tabloid
• Racket implementation: github.com/otherjoel/tabloid

Should You Use It?

When asked about practical applications, the creator's advice was succinct: "Please, don't!" Tabloid exists as a satirical commentary on clickbait culture — and perhaps as a reminder that programming languages are, at their core, just formal grammars. Even the most absurd grammar can be made computationally complete.